'tis the season of likes and dislikes

well it's definitely that time of the year when everywhere you look there's an advertisement trying to sell you something to make someone you know/care about happy. now i don't really want to sound like a scrooge, but i don't really care too much for this time of year. well, let me rephrase that; i don't like this time of the year that all the stores have created. it'll probably be easier to just make a list of the likes and dislikes of this time of year.

likes:
-the food (why can't it be made at other times throughout the year???)
-spending time with people i care about
-people are slightly nicer (but also see dislikes)
-people watching; people trying to carry more bags than they should is kinda funny, not to mention the crazy serious shoppers are too (altho they're also kinda scary)
-hot chocolate with marshmallows (and kahlua :-P)

dislikes:
-how you have to buy someone a gift to show you care, and according to the stores, the more expensive the purchase, the more you care (hence people getting trampled on Black Friday). similarly, that if you don't get a lot of gifts then nobody supposedly cares about you.
-that it's the season for benevolence; why can't people be benevolent throughout the year? or why do people want you to give more at this time of the year than at any other?
-houses that look like you can see them from space due to the xmas lights (especially when they've been up since october)

anyways, i'm sure there's probably more things i could list, but for now i'm sure you can see what my likes and dislikes tend to be. the dislikes being those associated with physical objects or material items, and the likes dealing with things that inanimate/immaterial/etc.

rain, rain, go away

when it rains it pours

does anybody else really have that feeling that there can never be just "bad" thing to happen, there has to be multiple "bad" things that occur around the same time. (bad is in quotes because i firmly agree with the quote "for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - shakespeare)

could it be part of a person's mindset of thinking "what else can go wrong" that something will end up going wrong. then you have to wonder if the events are independent of each other or not, or if somehow the one event had in some mysterious way influenced the results of the next one.

in general i don't really think that "bad" events have influence on each other. that is unless they are directly related. i was trying to think of an example, but my mind doesnt really wanna work all that much. anyways, i hope you get what i mean.

the positive thing of so called bad things happening is that you know when something "good" occurs. without the bad you would not know the good (i'm pretty sure there's a quote somewhere that basically says that too).

besides with all the water there is in a downpour it makes all the plants nice and green afterwards. that is if the downpour doesn't completely flood and kill everything :-P yes that is kinda morbid, but it's also the weird mood i'm in right now and anything that makes me smile or snicker is worth every bit.

hopefully i'll have a more entertaining post in the near future. on might be the tattoos co-workers were talking about wanting to get and the tattoos of other math/engineer people they know, which will make some of you hit your head and think "what nerds" :-P

scared

this might be a bit more descriptive than the previous post, but it will still be kinda vague as i'm not going to reveal everything in my life online. only a select few get to know those details.

anyways, as the title says, i am scared. i am scared that i'm becoming someone i really don't want to. i'm scared that altho i feel i have strong morals i won't be able to hold on to them when i should the most.

in part of the cultural to which i live, it is ok and considered more or less innocent to hook up with someone and play (and yes i'm referring to sexually) whenever you feel the need. i'm scared i will begin to think/believe this eventho for me i want and had always anything sexual mean something more than just something physical. this scares me.

after learning some other aspects of people in my life, and some of the events in their lives, and the troubles that arise from them, makes me think that i might be just like them. this scares me.

knowing some of the things i've done when i did and didn't necessarily have the best thinking capability, makes me think i'm not too far off. this really scares me.

not sure where else i was going to go with this as right now i am in a much better mood than i was when i started this entry earlier today. i am still scared of what i've typed, but the severity of the fear has declined to a manageable level.

finally a free weekend :-) and :-(

it's finally happened, that i have an actual free weekend. there's no moving, no organizing/putting stuff away, no nothing. ok, i do have one thing i need to do today and that is to play indoor soccer, but that isn't until 10pm (so glad there's coffee and free donuts at work on mondays :-P). having a free weekend has meant that i've been able to sleep as much as i want as i don't have anything i need to do.

however, i'm not sure i really like the lack of things to do. it's making it so i have more time to think about what is going on in my life, and at the moment i don't want to be thinking about those things. i would much rather have something occupying/distracting my mind, especially because i was actually dreaming about what i would prefer to not think about.

i know it's probably better to try and solve the problems i perceive in my mind as soon as possible as opposed to later, but i just don't want to. i also know that altho i'm trying not to think about certain problems or issues i really am and it will just take time for me come to a conclusion/solution and then to become carefree again (and i don't mean the act of carefree when i'm around people).

wow, this turned into such a downer of a post when hadn't intended for it to be. such is life i guess, just have to take the bad with the good, and keep moving forward.

i will end on a much brighter note tho. like i said i do have an indoor game tonight which i'm rather excited about. am kinda scared i won't be able to move tomorrow at work since i haven't done any running since i started work, but playing again should be fun. hopefully they'll need a sub again in weeks to come. actually i'm kinda hoping that someone at my work takes the initiative and creates an indoor team that's mostly co-workers.

with that i think i'm going to go find some food, since the only thing i've had since eating friday night has been nachos from qdoba. laters all

oops

hmmm...maybe i should check to see what i've written in past posts so i don't repeat myself, oh well :-P

moving and work

well i suppose it's about time for an update, and there's a lot to update everyone on.

the first being that i'm going to be moving from my mom's basement to sharing my aunt and uncles house with my cousins. i currently have probably 2/3 of my stuff there and the remaining stuff here (at my moms). i should probably try to have it all moved by the end of this week, but we'll see.

another big update is that i started work a week ago (the 13th). so far i like what i'm doing (more-or-less) and the environment that i work. what i do is testing the hardware and software in electronic gaming machines, as which i had to initial a line in the 17-page form that i took in on my 1st day that i "shall not gamble upon any electronic gaming device in any jurisdiction in the world". good thing i'm not really one to gamble. when i mentioned this to one of my aunts, her first response was if it mentioned anything about family being allowed to gamble, which she was relieved to hear that there wasn't.

some other things at work that i find that are rather amusing or that i just simply like:
1. my cubicle is slightly less space than my dorm room (floor space that is, but my memories could be skewed as well, either way you get the idea)
2. on mondays there are free donuts and/or bagels
3. there's free coffee, which includes regular and strong, but no decaf. (this is not helping me keep my caffeine intake low)
4. i've already been invited to 2 halloween parties, one of which is saturday and involves a party bus. (i'm wondering if i should have a different costume for each party or not).
5. there is a costume and jack-o-lantern competition at work on halloween. (which means i may need 3 diff costumes this year depending on if i decide to wear the same one to the parties).
6. i'd estimate the average age < 35
7. people play cards or board games during lunch (i actually played pinochle today with some of the supervisors/managers)
8. the dress code is business casual, but the engineers are allowed to wear jeans. (my title is test engineer so i get to wear jeans :-P)

i'm sure there's some more things, but i'm starting to get tired and i think i'm still adjusting to the 8-5 schedule and all it entails with waking up early enough to "drive" in rush hour and still make it to work on time. so for now that's it. i should have some fun stories as i discover things at work, or at the least from the halloween parties.

An Update

just thought i should give a bit of an update for those that actually read this.

not too much has happened in the last couple of weeks. at least nothing drastic comes to mind. just been playing volleyball about 3 times a week and trying to keep myself from spending my first paycheck before i get it. i've discovered i'm not all that great at staying on a set budget, altho lucky for me i set my budget rather low so that if i do go over it i'm still (in a way) within it.

speaking of paychecks, i really can't wait to actually start work next monday. it will give me something to do with my time during the days. also the dress is business casual, but the engineers are allowed to wear jeans. i'm hoping that includes me since my title is Test Engineer :-P i still have to fully fill out a 17 page form to take in on my first day. things on the form include everywhere i've lived in the last 10 years which is rather lengthy since i basically moved twice a year. another interesting thing on it which i shouldn't have a hard time following is that as an employee of the company i won't be able to use any electronic gambling machine anywhere in the world. for all those thinking of asking/saying "so you can tell us how to win," there is no way i will jeopardize my employment and have gotten kinda tired of people asking that.

before i start working, i think i should move into my cousins (well technically it's my aunt and uncles house) place so that i don't have to move things after i get off work or during the weekends as i'm sure i'll be wanting to do other things. oh yeah, i guess that's one things that's new. my mom will be renting her house to people she knows the beginning of november because she got a new job and is moving to cheyenne. there's a lot more to that story, but that's all i'm going to say.

hmm....what else???

this weekend i'm heading to rapid city, which i find kinda strange. when i moved down i basically had no desire to ever go back. since getting the job offer tho, and it being M-day and whatnot i want to go back and see friends where this is there last semester/year. plus my aunt is happy as now she doesn't have to put her cats in a kennel as she was heading out of town this weekend.

and i think that basically brings everything up to date. i hope to have some fun stories once i start working, especially if people wear costumes at work on halloween :-P

'til then, laters

good week

so this has been a good week, overall, and it's only wednesday.

i suppose it really started at the end of last week. on saturday, i had gone to Boulder to listen to a friend be a support singer for one of her friends, and to enjoy the festivities that were going on. I heard some really good music, that i normally wouldn't listen to. what made the music even better was listening to it while in a cafe. i am definately a fan of most of the people that played and sang. I definitely recommend "The Monkey Song" and "At the Cafe" by Ryan Mintz. he also has a couple other good songs that i found online after seeing him live.

sunday, was a nice day in which a picnic (of sorts) and volleyball was played in a park in Denver. then there was a bbq at home when i returned. so it was a day full of fun and good food.

monday, i had the most interesting interview i could have imagined. it was an analytical interview, which involved getting 3 monks and 3 cannibals from one side of the river to another (with some rules involved), doors that lead to freedom or certain death, and a scale that costs $10,000 for each time it was used. definitely wasn't the typical interview. i then got called a couple hours after i had left to ask if i was still interested and they wanted to bring me in for a 2nd interview.

oh yeah, and also met up with friends and caught up over some rather good thai/indian food.

tuesday was a little less eventful, but was fun as there was volleyball at night. we ended up winning 2 and losing 2, but it was still fun as it was competitive, but not too competitive.

today was just totally amazing because i called the company back that i had interviewed with last week (they had left a message on tuesday about they wanted to talk about my interview and position) and they offered me a job! this just made my day completely as it's the 1st job offer of since graduating. my excitement made it rather hard for me to calm down enough to go to the 2nd interview for the other company. of which i think went ok, not great, but not horrible either. then again, i thought i didn't do all that well in the interview with the other company.

anyways, i should hear back from the one company tomorrow either way and then i may or may not have some decisions to make. the location of both of them really won't be an issue as they are both in Golden.

well, my tummy is grumbling so i think i should go find some food. i also foresee a bit of celebration occuring later on the week and/or weekend. maybe friday since it's "international talk like a pirate day" or who knows. but yeah...off to find some food.

masks

below is a poem i like. i know that it was originally written for a specific group of people (at least i think that's what i was told in class), but i think that it can be applied to anybody regardless of the numerous sub-groups society puts us into. to me it show's a common feature everybody shares, but nobody ever really talks about.

*note: the "We wear the mask" parts are suppose to be indented
-------------

We Wear the Mask
by: Paul Laurence Dunbar

We wear the mask that grins and lies
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes, -
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

-------------

listening to : "Lucky" by Britney Spears
(yes, that is what i'm listening to, it's just the mood i'm in)

recent realizations

so below are things that i've recently discovered:

1. i've been spelling definitely wrong for long long time (i had been spelling it as definately).

2. caffeine actually effects me now (and i'm hoping it's effects and not affects).

3. i'm not in any way, shape, or form and expert in english (especially the grammar part).

4. i have a couple shirts in my closet that i shouldn't wear out to bars and such as they give people wrong assumptions. one being my shirt that says "Single", which is pretty easy to figure out why, but i just like the shirt because i think it's funny. when i wear it, i am not advertising myself. another shirt is a "Mountain Dew" one. when i wear it, i DO NOT mean 'mount and do" me!! i wear the shirt because for 1: i used to drink a lot of mountain dew and 2: it's green and goes with my eyes :-P

5. i always enjoy places that i'm not currently living, which i'm assuming is due to the feeling of it being new and exciting (ie this past weekend i visited friends in DC and am now thinking of looking for jobs there).

6. it's fun to sneak into career fairs at different colleges :-P

7. i let what others want influence what i really want. i believe this is mostly due to the fact that i am a people pleaser.

8. i'm scared that i'll never have the guts to stand up to someone for what i firmly believe/feel. (this really isn't a recent acknowledgement, but just something i've never let known, altho some of you may have noticed i never stood up to someone before)

9. i've never really thought about the so called 'type' of people i like or whatnot. (in doing so wouldn't that be stereotyping???)

10. i'm not alone in many things i think and feel. partly from meeting people, but also from Post Secrets.

11. i unconsciously flirt with people, or maybe people think i flirt because i actually pay attention to what they say, i dunno (so would that count as a realization then???)

12. when i'm not sure about something when typing or texting i always use ??? at the end, but never use ?? or ????, it's always ???. also, if i'm using exclamations and question marks it's either !?! or ?!? depending on if i'm more excited or confused.

i'm pretty sure there are more things that i've recently realized, but nothing else is really coming to mind. oh well, not like it's all that important. at least i don't think it is because, well, this is just a blog for fun and/or to vent every now and then.

with that, i'll think i'll bring this entry to an end. laters

wee hours reflection

it's rather strange how much self-reflection can get done when wakes up for some odd reason around 2:30-3am for several days in a row. part of me thinks that i'm waking up simply because my body is rested and doesn't need sleep anymore, which could be true since the last couple nights i have gone to bed earlier then i had been. add in that i don't really do anything all too strenuous throughout the day and i have a body that doesn't need much rest (right???)

however, the reflection that goes on at the wee hours of the morning also makes me think/feel otherwise. the reflection of "what am i doing with my life?" "will i be able to find a job?" "what if i don't get a job simply because my gpa wasn't a 3.0?" and even "will i ever run into that special someone or have i already?" amongst other questions (some of which are too private for a blog :-P).

the last one i try not to worry too much about, as i think that once i get some of the other things figured out and have started my life, having an actual routine and all, that i will meet that someone. or who knows, maybe i already do know who that someone is. i know that there's still someone i think a lot about, but for anything to happen the 2 of us would at least need to be on the same continent. (those of you that know me, can probably guess who that is)

with all the other questions, the only real solution is time. i know i just need to keep looking for jobs here in denver and many other locations and my questions will get answered. hopefully they're answered in a positive way, which i try to believe it will, as i go with the whole karma thing. that is that thinking positive, in turn does bring positive things into your life. if nothing else, thinking positive will give the self assurance needed in an interview for a job.

or now an even simpler reason of why i'm waking up so early is insomnia. actually that can be rather complex if you try to go into the reasons for insomnia. then again, maybe not. i do know (at least i think i do) that some insomnia is just caused by stress, which is kinda like what the previous questions i've stated do.

and now that i've just gone in a complete circle with my reasoning, i think i should end this now. laters

more song lyrics

so these lyrics are from the song "Another Beautiful Day" from the Latter Days soundtrack (like i said it's one of my favorite movies now). if you want the music video for it here's a link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebnBgI7mcNA

--------------------------------
When you were just a child of eight
You were taught you were not to deviate
Only one way to heaven but half a million ways to fall

Well we can alienate the strange and the odd
As long as we're one nation under God
He might love me but you're his favourite of all

And it's another beautiful day
It's another beautiful day
It's another beautiful day
In the land of the free

We can hate the Jews and the blacks and the fags
As long as we pray and salute the flag
And fall on our knees to a
Jesus who looks just like you.

And it's another beautiful day
It's another beautiful day
It's another beautiful day
In the land of the free

They blessed your soul and told you to travel
Dressed in polyester for a God made of gravel
Your a man on a mission I wish you could save yourself

And it's another beautiful day
It's another beautiful day
It's another beautiful day
In the land of the free
--------------------------------

other good songs in the movie are "Tuesday, 3am" and "More". the tuesday one is kind of a sad one, but still a good heart-felt song.

anyways, i'm off to bed.

job searching

so i've been searching for jobs, but its really hard to search when i don't even know the title of jobs i should be searching for that my degree will help me to get. i've just been searching for analyst jobs. every now and then i see one that i think looks interesting, but it says you need a business or accounting degree. i'm pretty sure i could still accomplish those jobs because well, once you have proven calculus, the actual application of math (especially with just simple addition, subtraction, and multiplication) i believe is rather easy.

i have applied for several jobs online, so now i just sit and wait to hear back. while i wait i know i should also be continuing my search, but like i said i don't know what job titles to really look for. i think i still have a couple of networkings (not even sure if that's a word or not) that i haven't tapped into, but will wait a bit more before i use them.

something that has popped into my mind is during my searching and such is from someone's response to a question of how to get a job as they have an engineering degree but haven't found a job in over a year. the response basically was that engineering and science degrees are usually very specific in what is taught, while other degrees such as business, marketing, etc can be used by any and all companies. to think i thought i was going with a general degree :-P nah i know it takes time to find a job once graduating, especially if you're not near the top of your class.

with that i think i'll bring this to a close. altho if anyone out there knows of a company (or simply a job title) looking for someone with a BS in applied and computational mathematics , feel free to leave a message :-P laters

hopeless romantic films (well sorta :-P)

so recently i've seen a couple of movies that are now hopefully at least in the mail as i thought they were so good that i bought them (thanks ashley :-P). could be that i'm a bit of a hopeless romantic, but i felt the movies were just rather touching. altho, i also have to warn you that i am by no means a film critic in any way shape or form. to me, if the movie entertains me for however long it is, then i think it was a good movie. if somehow i connect with a character(s) and the movie leaves a lasting impression, then i say the movie is amazing.

The first movie is Latter Days. I had heard some good reviews before i had watched it, and it looked like it had a pretty good story line (i'm not going to type it here, but i'm sure you could find it somewhere like imdb or youtube). the movie just kept my attention the whole time and had a very emotional ending, as in there were slight waterworks (yup i admit it :-P).

the other movie was Shelter. once again i had heard some pretty good reviews about this one, which made me curious about it. i think i may have liked this one because (to me) it more or less deals with the choices a person makes in regard to those he cares about.

basically, both movies just somehow touched me. like i said could be that i'm a hopeless romantic or that i'm just trying to figure out what i really want. either way, these 2 movies have now made their way into my collection and are in the favorite section.

back home and growing up, well kinda :-P

well i made it back and all. actually i've been back for about a week, but didn't really feel like blogging. eventually i'll get something down about the trip, ie something dealing with the high school girls who said something along the lines of 'when we need to lose weight, we don't exercise, we just don't eat'. let me tell ya, they were an interesting group (to put it nicely).

now that i am back home, i need to really start looking for a job and join the real world :-( which i have mixed feelings about. i really want to have the feeling that i can survive on my own, but at the same time i also don't wanna grow up. i think it's possible for both.

i really haven't started to seriously look for a job yet, altho i do have an interview tomorrow at my brothers work for a contract position, which i think would be good for several reasons. One is that i'll be able to get a taste of statistics in the real world, and then if i find i don't like it i won't have to feel bad about quiting as it's just a summer position. if i do like it then i have my foot in the door and may be able to get a full-time position in the company. also it will allow me to be putting money in the bank while i try to figure out what exactly i want to do (ie where i want to live).

anyways, i should try to be productive and prepare for the interview tomorrow. this is one time i know i'm really going to hate being modest, as how can you sell yourself if you don't think you're 'all that'. oh well, guess i'll have to try and make myself not appear as modest.

with that i'm off to start preparing, laters

off to Greece/Italy

so in less than a couple hours i will be on my way to the airport to jump on a plane heading towards Greece/Italy. needless to say time is passing by a little slow right now. i keep hoping that i haven't forgotten to pack anything, especially since i feel a bit like i underpacked since i have heaps of space left. i plan on wearing everything i packed 2-3 times (over a 15 day period and yes i have some laundry soap to wash them in a sink), this means for clothes i have:
-4 pairs of shorts (not counting the ones i'm currently wearing)
-2 pairs of pants (1 of which zips off into another pair of shorts)
-1 button-down shirt (in case i feel like kinda dressing up for dinner)
-5 t-shirts
-4 sleeveless shirts
-2 long sleeve shirts
-1 light/rain jacket
-running/swimming shorts
-1 pair of shoes (plus the teva sandals i'm currently wearing)
-4 pairs of socks (i plan on wearing my tevas most the time)
-6 pairs of underwear (i could always go commando right??? :-P )
-and i think that's about it for clothes.

other things i have packed include:
-passport (this is probably the most important thing to pack)
-the typical toiletry stuff (ie toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo/conditioner, etc)
-laundry soap
-wrinkle release spray stuff (which i also got in case i don't have a chance to wash clothes when i need them as the spray has a 'fresh' smell to it so it won't smell like dirty clothes)
-baby powder (yeah, i was a slightly baffled with this item as well, but they said to pack it for use on sweaty areas and for possible chafing, ie on/near the feet)
-mini first aid kit
-2 chapsticks
-sunscreen
-sunglasses (and a hat)
-2 books to read
-travel journal (really should have started a travel journal on my first trip to Europe in '01, but oh well)
-iPod (with charger)
-power converter/adapter
-2 hangers
-watch (i'm surprised the thing still works as i think i've had it since elementary school, did need a new battery which was a pain in the a** to get out).
-and i'm sure there's some more random things i packed that i can't think of, but i can't think of anything i might have missed.

really hope i do have everything eventhough my bag has space in it. positive side though of having lots of space (like i said in an earlier post) is that it means i'll be able to buy lots of stuff and not have to worry about being able to fit it into my bag.

well i'm going to go look thru my bags to make sure (for like the 5th time) that i have packed everything listed above. not sure if i'll have another post within the next 2 weeks or not, so laters, and i'll let you know how everything was when i get back. ciao

caffeine/energy drinks

so, was rather bored earlier and came across articles about how energy drinks are unhealthy for teens and can be 'red flags' for risky behaviors. to that i just say DUH!!!

granted i'm not one to say people shouldn't drink them, since i do, but now that i will theoretically have time to eat and sleep i fully intend to wean myself off of them. actually i'm going to try to cut down on my caffeine intake i general. however, i am going to be naive and believe that chocolate does not have caffeine in it because not having chocolate is just wrong to me :-P

anyways, some of the people's comments on the article were rather valid. the main idea behind most of them was moderation. many were saying that the energy drinks caused many health issues with people they knew. however the people they knew had several energy drinks a day, and i know on the cans it says the recommended amounts. one person also said that their child almost ended up (or did i forget) in the hospital after having and energy drink because their child was sensitive to caffeine (another 'DUH' moment to me). i just don't think people should really be blaming the energy drinks for 'causing' health problems when they actually do have warnings on the cans and do say what a serving size is.

and for the 'red flag' for risky behaviors, i'd would like to know what things really aren't considered red flags for teenagers in regard to risky behaviors. hello, they're teenagers. i do agree with one of the comments as the person i believe quoted somebody else who had said (lots of he said she said stuff i know :-P) they hope their child doesn't do the same things they did because it was sometimes just luck that they survived, but also hopes that they do do the same things as thats what growing up is about. granted there's probably a more philosophical and thought provoking way of saying that, but the idea still gets across.

anyways, that's it for now. tomorrow i'm leaving for middle of no-where SD, well it's a little east of middle, tomorrow morning for the weekend and then to greece and italy in a week (i can't wait!!). so if i don't write again for another month or so it's not 'cause i don't care, it's just that i will have better things to do (to put it blatantly).

ciao

busy month

i'm not very good at writing/blogging very often, eh oh well. in the last couple weeks only thing that's really happened is that this past friday i felt like a human sundae as i was covered in whip cream, chocolate, and sprinkles. before your minds get dirty, i was covered because it was my last day at work, and well that's what they like to do to you. after being there for a couple years tho, i was expecting it so i had some silly string with me just to fight back a little. fun times.

looking towards the future now, this month is going to be exciting and scary. i'll be moving back to denver (temporarily or longer depending), going to my grandparents 55th anniversary, and then traveling to Greece/Italy for a couple weeks.

the exciting part is probably pretty obvious. visiting lots of fun and/or new places, and will be able to eat heaps of gelato. what could be more exciting??? ok, well many things, but those things will have to wait until a later date.

one not so exciting thing, however, is the living out of a suitcase (or 2) worth of clothing for the next month. it really won't be so bad because well i lived out of a couple suitcases worth of stuff for 10 months while in AUS. the part i'm trying to figure out is if i can leave enough space in the bags so i can fill them with amazing things i'll find while in Europe. I've already been given a short list from a few people of things to buy, altho i'm mostly going to be looking for stuff for me :-P

the scary part though is after getting back from Europe. i'm going to have to start becoming (dare i say it? i might as well) responsible. not that i'm not a responsible person, i'm just going to have to join the working world. just hoping i find a job i like. there's loads of jobs out there, so i'm pretty sure i'll be able to find it, but that still doesn't take any of the stress away.

anyways, i have lots of people to catch up with before my move in a couple of days, not to mention packing, and a few other chores.

'til next time, laters

summer time desires

it finally feels like summer is here. altho it wouldn't really surprise me if somehow there was another freak snow storm in the not too distant future, as well that's rapid city for ya.

some of the things i'm looking forward to this summer (not counting my trip to Greece/Italy, as that's on a level all on its own) include:
-lightning/thunderstorms
-bbq's
-getting a real tan :-P
-finding a job
->and thus getting my own place, that is assuming i have some money to do so
-camping/hiking/boating or anything of the sort
-and many other things that currently aren't coming to mind

getting a place of my own i think is about the thing i'm looking forward to most, as then i'll be able to decorate it how i'd like. plus then i won't have to have everything i own be in a single room (unless i get a loft or whatnot, but then that's one big room :-P) like it all has been for the past 6 years or so. also, i'll be able to have all my clothes hanging up and such as i may have more than one closet (yes, i have that much clothes). once i do have a place of my own with everything spread around, i'm sure it will seem like i don't own anything. then again that will depend on how big of a place i end up getting, which will also most likely depend on whatever job i end up getting as well. my mind is definately getting ahead of itself.

i have been thinking about how i'd like to decorate and have seen some things i really wanted to buy but restrained myself which was really hard. what worked the best in keeping myself from buying anything is by telling myself that i already won't be able to fit everything into my car. anyways. . .the style (more or less) that i think i'm going to decorate in will be a combo of oriental and modern (if that makes any sense at all), with the main colors being dark red/maroon, black, and then some random lighter colors like orange and yellow (and possibly some green). i dunno, i have some sort of image in my mind, but also know that what i currently imagine will probably change by the time i do get a place.

and with that i'm going to hopefully find something to do that doesn't involve my computer.

DONE!!!!

finally don't with all exams, projects, etc!!!

congrats to everyone else who's done (for the semester, with college, etc).

and now time to go celebrate :-P

finals week stress

k, so both my "finals" are done with. really hoping i at least passed them, or else things would just suck. still have to finish 3 projects tho. all of which are relatively important. one is definitely a lot more important than the others. the one that's most important is my senior paper, which i'm pretty confident that i'll get done. the other two i'm trying to think of how much i need to do to keep the grade that i have. actually i'm probably putting more effort into that than the actual projects at the moment :-P (imagine that). i'll just blame it all on senioritis.

the only thing with that is, if by chance i don't pass all my classes this semester, that means that i wouldn't graduate. it's not that great of a fear, but still there in the back of my head.

i do have mixed feelings about the idea of finally graduating from college after 6 years of being in it. i'm excited and rather scared at the same time. i'm excited to close/end this portion of my life and to take the next step, but that's the scary part. i'm not exactly sure what the next step will consist of (many other college, or even high school grads, probably have the same feelings). i don't have a job lined up. i'm not really sure where i would want to live, or even what i want to do with my degree (meaning don't ask 'cause i have no clue). i think this is mostly scary because growing up i always had a plan of what i was going to do. the only problem was that plan ended at college. ok, well that's a bit of a lie, the plan was to graduate as an EE and get a good job, and well those that know me, know that i am not graduating as an EE.

ok, would actually like to procrastinate a bit more, but well i can't really afford to at the present since i have the 3 remaining projects to get done plus having to work later today, tomorrow, and thursday (great fun let me tell ya :-P). just gotta keep telling myself "almost there, almost there"

Snow Day Observations

There were a couple observations i made friday during the snow day. the first was that i wondered why i hadn't procrastinate another couple days of taking my snow tires off. The other was that eventhough i had the entire day to work on homework and to get various other things done, i still only got about the same amount of stuff done that i would have if i would have had to go to class. Actually i think i may have gotten a little bit less done than i would have. I blame the internal idea all students have when they realize they have a snow day, which is "yea!! i don't have to do anything today" if only that was the case as then i'd have slightly less stuff to get done this week. eh, oh well :-P

my other observations has to due with society/rapid city culture (most likely it's just not here). i find it rather hilarious that altho the entire city (well not entire, read on) can be shut down but yet the bars and the porn shop are still open. granted the porn shop i don't think ever closes, but still, this kinda shows what is important to us as a society doesn't it? i guess there were a few restaurants that did open as well, but those were few and far inbetween. another factor i suppose is that the bars usually don't open until later in the day, and since it stopped snowing by noon and then got into the mid-40's (i think) the snow was becoming slush so it was a little less likely to get stuck, altho quite a few still managed. luckly i wasn't one of them, eventho i was parked in an unplowed parking lot (hehehe, ashley??? :-P).

so yup that means i ventured out later in the day. i started to get "cabin fever" or something similar. i just don't like being at home all that much. anyways, so first had gone to the movie theatre with some others, but sadly found out they were closed as well. so we just went back to one of their houses and watched a little bit of a movie before heading to Dublin (ya for smoke free :-P) to celebrate a friends birthday.

while at Dublin made a couple more observations. The first being that a lot of times i think someone could be my type, i then have to ask myself "are they or are they a foreigner". after talking to a friend, we concluded this was because people from other countries have a bit of a different fashion sense, and that they hold themselves differently. the other observation kinda goes back to society, and was actually made by a norwegian exchange student. he noticed that instead of studying the nights before final exams start we are all out drinking :-P this could be that everyone was tired of being stuck at home, but i'm pretty sure most of the people there would have been drinking if there wasn't a snow day.

and with that i should probably go do some studying.

class canceled due to snow, in may?!?

that's right, my last day of college classes was canceled due to snow/blizzard conditions today. was kinda excited to have a snow day, but i was also looking forward to knowing that today was my last day. oh well, what can you do right?

i am kinda curious how this is going to effect (or is it affect?) things, as lots of classes had things due today, or had exams, etc. the only things that seems logical in my mind is to delay the due dates 'til monday. not sure how the exam thing will work tho, as next week is finals week. eh, not gonna worry about it as, i'm sure the profs will send out an email saying what the plan/changes are.

and with that i'm gonna crawl back into bed, eventho i don't think i'll be able to fall back asleep, it is on the other hand warm :-P

title-less

so most of my recent posts have been serious (more or less). trying to think of a topic that is a bit more, well fun. can't really think of too much. i do remember always thinking some point during my day "hey, i should remember that and type about it later" but well by the time i sit down i forget what it was that i was gonna type about.

i do have senioritis tho, which isn't helping much with everything i need to get done, but oh well. other than graduating in about 10 days or so, other exciting things coming up include the free so called breakfast sunday evening. i do remember it being a bit more entertaining the first couple years, but it's still fun. for those that have never been to it, or know nothing about it, several of the professors and faculty make pancakes, sausage, eggs, etc for students the night before finals week begins. they also have drawings to give out prizes. it's a little sad that i didn't get a prize until i think the spring semester of 06. altho i guess i can be happy i got something useful like a cd case instead of an inflateable field goal (what ever happened to that ashley???)

ok so that might be the only thing that's coming up that i'm remotely excited about, other than when i turn in my last project next friday when i then anticipate going out and celebrating.

well i should either do some hw before heading to bed or just head to bed so i can wake up and do hw before class tomorrow. laters

Neo-Earth = Fun

so i guess i get to see now where everybody is located that looks at my blog. granted i guess i'm assuming that people (i know of 1, and thats about it) actually look or read what i write :-P

sad thing tho is that having the little thing expires in a couple weeks as i'm a poor college student right now and don't really wanna pay for it (at least not quite yet). maybe once i get an actual career (i say career as i have a job right now) i'll be more inclined to pay for it. altho that's assuming i actually see that people do read what i write.

anyways enough procrastination, back to school work. only 11 more days (or so) 'til graduation!!! once again assuming i get my 3 projects completed and don't fail any of my 3 exams. but yeah, laters all

Choices (part 2)

"All the Adam had, all that Caesar could, you have and can do . . . Build, therefore, your own world" ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson


Continuing on the idea of choices; more of my thoughts involving choices are as follows (which more or less follow the above quote):


you can choose to see either the good or the bad in things, this includes people, situations, etc.


you can choose what you want in your life. that is things that are "good" influences or those that are "bad" (good and bad are in quotes because well to quote shakespeare "for there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so").

you can choose to stay in a life that makes you unhappy, or make the necessary changes to make you happy (this one i guess kinda goes with the previous one).


mostly i guess i just believe that your life is what you make it and what you believe it is. that is if you believe that the world is full of opportunity, beauty, benevolent people, etc. then that is the world that you will see and the world of which you will live in. if on the contrary you see the world full of distrust, hate, and filled with people only worrying about themselves, then that also is the world that you will see and live in. i'm not saying that you have to be naive about all the bad/evil things that happen in the world if you see it full of hope, love, beauty, etc. (and vice versa), as then you get walked all over and used.

maybe it's that i've been able to see a lot of the beauty and such in the world. could be that having been able to travel has aided in this. i dunno, i just know that there have been some people in my life that i want to literally shake (or smack :-P) and tell them that all people are not evil. not all people think solely about themselves. that there are people in the world that wont use them to benefit themself.

anyone agree, disagree, or ??? anything thoughts in general???




----------------

listening to "This is Who We Are" by Cartel

Song Reflection

(kinda copying a friends blog, i'm gonna use song lyrics to blog about)
So the following lyrics are from the song "Can't be Saved" by Senses Fail (which is one of my favorite bands, so there might be more lyrics from them in the future :-P):

"Follow your bliss
It reads on my chest
I know I got it tattooed for a reason
Why can't I just hold it true?

'Cause I'm still crashing all the funerals
Of these people that I never knew

I'm stuck in a coma
Stuck in a neverending sleep
Some day I will wake up
And realize I made up everything

I shut the door and turn all the lights out
And listen to all the songs that the night shouts
They go something like this

So
Go fill up a glass with tonic rocks and gin
And drink yourself to happiness

I'm stuck in a coma
Stuck in a neverending sleep
Some day I will wake up
And realize I made up everything

We can all hang ourselves
(from gold chandeliers)
And drink good bye
To all (al the pain and fears)
Loose lips have sunk this ship
(To a shallow grave)
Washed up upon the rocks

(I won't be saved)
(I won't be saved)

I'm stuck in a coma
Stuck in a neverending sleep
Some day I will wake up
And realize I gave up everything

I won't be saved
(So follow your bliss, it reads on my chest)
I won't be saved
(I know I got it tattooed for a reason)
I won't be saved
(I shut to the door and turn all the lights out)
I won't be saved
(I listen to all the songs that the night shouts)"
--------------------

at first i really didn't care for this song all that much. at least i don't think i did. i do know that i began to like it more after i saw the music video for it. mostly i like it because of the chorus, which to me kinda represents growing up in general and not being true to yourself (ie 'made up everything'). in the end though you realize that by not being yourself, you are actually giving up more than you know.

k so maybe i like it mostly due to the last sentence and how i tend to like anything that deals with the idea of "if you risk nothing, then you risk everything". i really need to find that quote for sure so i can write it down and have it on hand whenever i want/need it.

also have you ever realized that lyrics tend to have a different feeling attached to them when you read them opposed to hearing them in a song???

Choices

Whenever i think of choices, i begin to think of how the choices we make begin to define who we are. Then my mind thinks of movies like Spiderman, X-men, etc., but i'm not going to follow that tangent.

back to choices defining ourselves. actually, i'm not fully sure where i want to go with that. i just believe that in life you have choices you have to make every day. some of the choices are simple, like what to wear (ok, i struggle with that choice some days too :-P). others get repeated daily, like "do i go to class today?" still others are more complicated and may have drastic outcomes.

the choices that's sticking out most in my mind is how people choose to deal with the stresses and problems in their lives. lots of people make "healthy" choices by somehow manipulating the stress/problem into a form that can be useful. Anger for example is great motivation for running, plus while running you can sort things out in your head, at least that's my experience. even more people however seem to make "unhealthy" choices, turning to alcohol and/or drugs. it then seems that these choices are continually made becoming what is coined a "self-defeating behavior", and then it all seems to feed off of itself. that is for example using drugs because you are stressed and then not being hired for a job because there was a required drug test, and then doing drugs and such because of stress of needing to find a job. (i keep using 'seems' because this isn't for sure, its just my opinion from my observations)

maybe i care too much for people, as it makes me sad seeing people do things to themselves that keep them from achieving anything and everything they want or ever dreamed. each person has so much potential, i just hate seeing such potential go to waste.

granted i grew up in a 'loving' family, located in a good/safe area, don't ever remember money (or lack thereof) ever really being an issue, didn't ever get teased (other than from a sibling, but that doesn't count), and never really had anything that traumatic happen in my life. i did, however, have extremely high standards to live up to. i had to be, for lack of a better word, perfect. it was expected of me to be the best or close to the best in school, or in anything i did. it was expected of me to get straight A's. it was expected of me to be the typical All-American Boy. like i said, i was expected to be perfect.

if you don't feel that stress is enough to make a kid want to make "unhealthy" choices, try having that stress and then adding to it the stress of hiding who are are from everyone around you. That is, knowing you are not like most other guys, but playing the charade you are, knowing that if anyone found out you really liked guys, you would be tormented. (well maybe not actually knowing, but at least knowing the teasing that happens to others) this means never expressing my inner thoughts/feelings to anyone, especially not my parent's, and thus leaving a feeling of isolation from everything around. Maybe that's how most people feel in high school, i dunno.

i do know however, that i chose to play the role of the perfect child: graduating as valedictorian, achieving Eagle Scout, excelling in soccer/volleyball. I had chosen to use the role that was thrust upon me as the means of getting away and thus becoming who i am. I don't feel i am done with becoming who i am or who i can be, but i don't think anyone ever fully does.

However, resonating effects of my choice is that i still hide who i am to all except those who have proven are trustworthy. I have told my parents who i am, but beyond that i still only tell them the most basic of basic of what's going on in my life. actually there are only 2 people i trust completely with my inner thoughts/feelings. One is actually from high school, and the other is from college. I trust several more, but not as much as the 2.

in the end i guess what i'm mostly trying to get across is that a person has the choice to take what is thrown at them and use it in a beneficial way or not, and that there is always a time to make a new choice.

my question, then to the reader, is "What choices do you make?"

Patterns

So as an analytical thinker, i usually try to see if i see a pattern in things that i do, or just things that i observe. moreso, i think i try to find patterns in things that i do so i can better understand myself. you'd think understanding your own self would be easy, but i don't think it is.

one pattern i've found (well it might not be an actual pattern, since it's only happened twice), is that when i know i'm going to be moving somewhere in a couple months, i run into someone i start to like a lot. then it just adds stress to me as i neither times i've been sure of if i should try to start something and see how it goes or not. both times i've decided to see where it goes. haven't regretted either of those choices (but like i said in a previous blog i haven't regretted any decisions i've made). one of my co-workers/friends brought up the point that maybe i find someone because sub-consciously i don't want to move. well the first time i had to move, it wasn't sub-conscious of not wanting to leave as i firmly knew i wanted to stay in AUS (still might make it back there, but i'm not worrying too much about that right now). anyways, it could be that i really didn't wanna leave, but i dunno.

other patterns in my life (that i know of) include: waiting until the couple of days before an exam to do the serious studying, stress makes me drink more caffeinated beverages, and ???

actually now i'm trying to decide the difference between a pattern and just plain habit. dictionary.com has one definition of habit as 'an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary' and pattern as 'a combination of qualities, acts, tendencies, etc., forming a consistent or characteristic arrangement'

so maybe they are one in the same. at least to some degree. or maybe it could be said that a pattern eventually becomes a habit. anyone agree/disagree?

hmmm....i thought i had more to say about this, but i guess not.

blah

so i'm hoping the last couple days are not what the rest of the semester is going to be like. that is being at school by 7:30, have class until 3pm, having to be at work at 4, not getting done until 9:30ish, then heading back to school to study/do homework for several hours and then waking up to do it all over again.

guess i can't complain too much though, as this is really the only semester i've had that requires so much work, and i know others who have a full year or more of schedules like what i said. i do believe i really should have some stock in caffeine, as then i'd at least be getting some of my money back :-P

hmmm....what else is there (on a lighter side that is)??? got a funny article about squirrels drowning while crossing a "frozen" river in search of food. bit morbid in a way, but well i guess that's my humor :-P one sad/funny part of the article was that a person accidently killed a whole family of squirrels when he hit the block of ice they were on with his canoe/kayak (or something like that) knocking them all into the water. do feel a bit bad for the guy though, as he was trying to save them, but then 'caused there death.

k well i gotta go get ready for work, and nurse the wound on my neck from my aunts cat trying to reposition itself on my shoulders and failing (so glad he only has back claws). laters

graduation

so like i've mentioned before graduation is quickly approaching. i have started to get a little stressed with everything i need to get done. i think it was actually getting assigned the projects and such instead of just knowing that they were going to get assigned. i'm pretty sure i'll be able to get everything done, i just have to use my time a lot more wisely than i have been using it lately. i do tend to do better when i am busy though, as i know i don't have time to waste.

so a forewarning to any of you that tell me you want to do something: you better not ditch out as my annoyance/anger level is gonna be pretty low.

anyways, i am a bit excited for graduation. it's more of i wanna get done with this school and go someplace completely else. not that this school or city are bad by any means. they just don't have what i need personally. i'm not sure what exactly i'm gonna do once i graduate, but i'm trying to mostly just worry about the things that are slightly more important (ie all the projects i have to get done in order to graduate). i have thought a little about it, and currently my resume is in the career planning office (hopefully getting looked over) and then they'll tell me what to change and such, and then i'll be able to send it out. at least that's my plan with that.

one thing i find rather funny, possibly ironic, is that i told my mom that i don't want a party or anything after graduation. and now i may have to give up my bedroom that weekend for people coming for graduation. not that i mind giving up my room when people visit, but i really didn't want people to visit for my graduation. also i guess there's 4 or so sets of aunts and uncles that are coming. plus my mom is asking what kind of cake i want, what kind of food, etc. all to which i say "i don't want a party". oh well i know she just wants to show she's proud of me and whatnot, but still it's getting rather annoying (and like i said my annoyance level is rather low).

well i think i should go grab some lunch or something to eat before my 1 class today and then start working on the several projects i have.

finally the weekend

oddly enough i was actually quite stressed yesterday. not sure when the last time was that i felt that stressed. i'm just glad that by the time i left campus yesterday it had resided a bit. afterall i was on campus from 7:30-4:30 working on school work, so theoretically i got quite a bit done. still have heaps more to do, but i have a temporary schedule in my head of when i need to be working on things.

for now tho, it's the weekend and i'm gonna enjoy tonight. not sure what exactly i'm gonna do. i might head up to sturgis and watching a live band play (i work w/ one of the people in the band) with some co-workers, just head up to my mom's place in the hills to relax and have some me time, both of the previous options as the house is within 10min of sturgis, or i dunno. i just know that i'm gonna take the next 24hrs or so and just not think about school. ok well that's slightly a lie, but i'm not gonna do anything school related.

oooo, something fun did happen yesterday while working on hw. so a while ago i wrote that i got asked to work at an abercrombie store. well i had said that i might be interested, but that i don't graduate 'til may. i gave them my number, and well they called yesterday to see if i was still interested in the MIT position (i'm assuming it means 'management in training'). i said possibly, but not quite sure. they said they'd call back in May. So if by chance i don't have a job (in my field i'm studying), at least i have that option. that is as long as i'd make as much or more than what i make now as a server. anywho, that's my fun news.

and now i'm off to find something to do other than sit at my computer as i'll be doing plenty of typing and such in the next several weeks preparing all my projects (hopefully learning LaTex isn't too hard :-P)

let the stress begin

so theoretically i think i should be preparing to be pulling out my hair. graduation is in slightly over a month (can't wait!!), but there's still everything with classes going on. so much in fact that i think i have around 5 different projects all due by the end of this month. the weird thing is i'm not fully freaking out about it. part of me really thinks i should be, but the other part is convincing me it's a good thing to be relatively calm. towards the end of the month tho, there may be a whole different story.

maybe i'm not really stressing as i don't feel the projects are really all that big or complicated projects. one really is as it's my senior research project, and well i'm pretty sure if i don't get that done then i probably won't graduate. plus, my project should be done (for the most part) in a couple weeks, as that's when my presentation is (dry run around the 23rd or so with the actual presentation the 25th). i do believe i will be nervous during my presentation considering after my presentation a couple of profs are going to be giving a presentation that continues off of the work that i've done (no pressure there right???). not to mention the presentation is going to be at the regional MAA meeting or whatnot (MAA=Mathematical Association of America for you none engineering/math people).

ok i think i've procrastinated enough for one night (well kinda, i'm sure i'm gonna find other things to get distracted by).

pi day minus .02

so today the MAA is having their usually pi day, which is usually held on march 14th (aka 3/14 or 3.14), but this year it's early. probably due to the fact that if it was held on friday, nobody would really show up since that's when spring break starts. kinda sad this is my last spring break :-( but not really at the same time as i'll be glad once may comes.

anyways, this week has been full of school and work. never fails that teachers always give homework assignments or have exams the week right before spring break. luckily one of my assignments due dates will most likely be pushed back to the day following spring break (all depends if i go buy a pie and bring it in for pi day today).

well class is gonna start soon

HS sports observations

so this weekend was the SD girls state basketball tournament here in Rapid City. My cousin's team from Sioux Falls made it to the championship (against Pierre), which is in a few hours.

Anyways, I've noticed some big differences between the high school sports here verses the high school sports i was in. First, the furthest i ever had to travel for an away game was maybe 2hrs (and that was only about once a season) and then for state tournaments i believe it was the same. Here the bigger schools travel across the state to just play regular season games. I suppose tho, that if you want to have a fair competition between teams, you can't have a high school that is more than double the size of nearby high school play each other. Granted there are some small schools/towns around here that have some pretty awesome teams, but still.

Another thing that also stood out to me was the parents. They seem to really get into it (and not only for the state tourney). I'm not sure if it's just a girls sport thing or if it's a whole SD thing (i haven't been to any boys sporting events). I just know that the parents of my teammates in high school were never too extravagant, or if they were i just completely blocked it out :-P It's not that it's a bad thing, it's just an observation of the difference of where i grew up verses here.

The last thing that kinda goes along with the first is that there are kids that aren't even on the teams that travel to the away games as well. Not as many go to the ones on the other side of the state, but they still drive more then i would have ever been willing to drive to watch my high school play.

At any rate though, the games do make it fun to just people watch, ie to just sit and watch how they react to different things happening out on the court or around them.

well i should find something to eat before heading to the game. i'm hoping that the ticket person only charges me the high school student price again. then again the signs don't say student's k-12, they just say students and i am still a college student :-P

work rant

so just to warn everyone this is mostly just a rant and not much more.

so last night was a UFC fight night and was pay perview (somehow that word doesn't look right but i don't wanna check to see if it's correct, instead i like to write a long message saying i think its mispelled :-P) or something like that, thus no where else really gets it so everyone that wants to watch it (but not pay for it themselves) come to watch it where i work. i really really really dislike working on nights that we have the fights. my reason for severe dislike is the same as when there are football games going on and such, which is that people come in sit for hours (like 3-4), but still only tip the same amount as if they had just been there to eat dinner and that was it. since they are at a table for that amount of time (the 3-4hrs), no-one else can, which means that i'm not getting any new tables.

also do not show up, say there's only a certain amount of you and then more of your friends show up after you've already been sat for a set amount and expect us to be able to magically make space for everyone. this comes to mind because there was a table that had been sat as there was only going to be 8, and it ended up being 20. thats a big difference. if it was just a couple more people, then it's easier to accommodate, but more than doubling the amount of people is just plain ridiculous. luckily tho, the table was in an area that we could move tables (luckily people had just been there to eat so there were a few empty tables).

and now i'm gonna rant on tips for a little. now i know that if you have an empty drink most the night and that if i'm not checking on you then yes i deserve to be stiffed with no tip. however, if a couple people at the table say how awesome of a job i did, then it means that i more likely than not provided the same service to you. tips should also be at least 10 percent, as that is what i am getting taxed on. not only am i getting taxed on 10% of my sales, but i also have to give tip money to the bartenders, hostesses, bus boys, etc. Thus if you stiff me or don't leave 10% tip, I am paying for some of your dinner or whatnot. verbal tips are nice (ie you're very good at what you do), but if you then don't leave a good tip, then it's kinda like a slap in the face. words are not gonna pay bills. one last thing on tips. just because someone else at the table is tipping, doesn't mean that you should not, unless that person is taking into account your bill as well (this is for when tickets are split up).

k, i'm done. mostly i think i needed to rant as i was at work from 5pm-1:40am and the ratio/percentage of my tips to my sales was just slightly over 10%. maybe i just need to work as a waiter in a country where they don't tip, so you actually have an hourly wage worth something. for example Australia :-P

k, thats it, i need to go work on some hw and whatnot.

Regret

so for some odd reason i've been thinking about things i regret, or don't. i've concluded that there's not anything that i really regret at all. this in turn made me arrive at two possibilities regarding regret.

the first being that not having any regrets means that i am living life the way i want and doing what i want. also, i think having no regrets means that i'm confident that i've made all the right choices. every now and then i think what would have happened if i would have chosen a different school, a different major, or who knows what. however if i had chosen something different i wouldn't be the person i am today. i would not have experienced the same things i have experienced.

the other possibility of having no regrets is a bit dark/gloomy. no regrets may mean that i haven't lived life to the fullest so far. that i haven't experienced everything that i could have experience. not taking chances, but living the safe life, taking the easy path, calculating all options to a decision with the outcomes/consequences carefully weighed, and so on.

or maybe having no regrets is a bit of both. afterall, i have studied abroad in australia. i have gone on trips on a bit of spur of the moment (or little planning involved, ie portland). every now and then i do throw myself into something that will challenge me to become better mentally, physically, etc. however, i also think of what may happen due to my actions. i wonder what people will think if i act a certain way, and thus keep myself in check the majority of the time trying not to react to events/situations/etc, but to logically and carefully consider the different ways to respond (which may not be a bad thing in the end). i just know that once in a while i get the urge to just go wild and take the attitude of 'f-off if you don't like what i'm doing, i'm tired of worrying what you think'. in the end however, i critically think of what i could do that will satisfy the urge, but with the minimum amount of repercussion after doing so.

basically, the conclusion about regret is that it is a double edged sword, acting both in a positive and negative manner. the only difference is the mood you (or me :-P) is in when thinking about regrets.

with that, it's time to do some studying.

(in case anyone's wondering, this topic came about because i've been trying to figure out what i'm going to do once i graduate, and having a hard time reaching a conclusion, thus wondering about a few choices i've made. like i said though, if i had made different choices, i wouldn't be who i am, and i'm pretty sure i wouldn't change that for anything)

Deal Breakers

so an old teacher, which i suppose i can now call a friend instead of 'old teacher' is looking for input for writing a song about what it is, that makes you stop and think 'yup, definately can't date you' (aka deal breakers).

there are some obvious ones that come to mind. like smoking and/or drugs, but then again i've dated someone that's done both. so in a way it wasn't really a deal breaker, but more of a boundary w/in the relationship. anyways i'm digressing.

my friend is looking for something more unique. the example she gave was hairy backs.

i haven't thought too hard on it, but i think i have figured out one deal breaker i have that i'm pretty sure i wouldn't ignore. atrocious grammar/spelling/etc. is the one deal breaker i don't think i could overlook. i'm not saying i'm all that great at it myself (ie look at what i type), but having multiple misspellings and such just make me cringe. i'm not talking about how some words get changed to make IMing or txting quicker or whatnot.

i'm gonna spend a bit more time pondering on other possible things that make me say to myself 'you're definately not dating material' to try to help my friend out to make an awesome song/lyric. anyone else have any unique deal breakers?

alright i should head to bed, so i can actually be productive tomorrow (mostly finish my advance calculus homework). 'nite

Portland :-)

so this past weekend i traveled to portland by myself. before leaving i was a bit scared as i was going by myself and not knowing anyone there once i got there. those same reason's tho is what also made it rather exciting as well (maybe due to the adrenaline from fear :-P). The weekend was long and not much (overall) sleep was had. i worked friday night, didn't get home 'til about midnight, then had to leave for the airport at 4:30am on saturday (downside of flying standbye is the best flights to take are the ones no-one else wants to take). got into denver around 7:30-ish intending to take a 8:20 flight to portland, which ended up being full, so then i got to sit around DIA until the 1pm flight. good thing i had some homework/reading with me. got into PDX around 3, took the train to the city center as the hostel i was staying at was w/ in walking distance. i did get off the train at a wrong stop (right street, but wrong side of the city :-P). finally made it to where i needed to be, checked in and then went walking around for a bit. ended up back at the hostel around 9, and then went and got some pizza (free might i add :-P) with a couple other people staying at the hostel (the hostel must have had a deal w/ the pizza place as there was free pizza every night as long as someone went the 3 blocks to pick it up). ate the pizza, talked (those i talked with were either moving to portland or thinking about moving there oddly enough) and then went to bed around midnight.

woke up around 7:30ish (the one night i did sleep enough), got some coffee at the cafe across the street, and then went exploring some more. my first destination was the washington park. it was awesome eventho nothing was in bloom, which makes me wonder how great it looks in spring.

ok, i'm getting tired so i think i'm gonna stop the hour by hour dictation of what i did. in short i walked around heaps (enough that my shins were getting sore). PDX was awesome and green (not sure if it was all moss or not :-P). it's a different kind of cold there as i had thought, hey it's gonna be above freezing i just need a long sleeve shirt (this i discovered when i was walking around washington park in the morning). No sales tax was a plus, altho i didn't really buy anything (i didn't have any room in my bags to take anything back with me). the public transportation there was easy and free when in the city center. definately think i need to head back sometime to check out some of the suburbs and such of it (mostly to price the cost of living, etc).

with that i'm off to bed

singles awareness day

well it's not the 14th yet (it might be by the time i finish typing but that depends on how much i ramble) so why not mention the holiday that i more-or-less despise. well maybe i don't despise it, it's more of i just don't understand it. how did singles awareness day (aka valentines day) become such a big holiday. i mean it goes straight from xmas stuff to v-day stuff in the stores. i don't know why people like it so much. i think v-day is really really stupid, and a bunch of crap.

don't get me wrong, it's not that i've never been dating someone on valentines day or whatnot so i'm angry at all the happy couples. it's that i don't see why there's only one day that society (mostly the stores) says you should tell your loved ones how much you love them. you should be telling them you love them throughout the entire year.

don't even get me started on having to buy people gifts to show them you care (ie diamonds, chocolates, etc). plus what do guys get on v-day??? i'm pretty sure most the guys i know really wouldn't want flowers or jewelry, some might want chocolate/candy but who wouldn't want sweets??? the whole having to give someone a gift to show you care basically says everyone who does is materialistic. some gifts could be alright if they have special meaning between the giver and the givee (i'm pretty sure that's not a word, but i'm gonna use it anyways) but the gifts should be given on a special day that isn't celebrated by everyone else. wow for not wanting to get started on gifts i sure went on for a while.

on a different topic. i was thinking of heading to portland this weekend to check it out, but other than getting the time off of work i haven't gotten anything else planned for it. it doesn't take much to get a plane ticket (ya for finally being able to use flight benefits via my mom :-P) but finding a reasonably priced hotel could be hard. then again, i should check to see if there's any hostels or similar there as they're usually good priced. actually i think i might do that until i head to bed. laters

aaahhhh indoor soccer

i just realized that the 'aaahhhh' in the title could be taken as either a scared 'aahh' or a relaxing 'aahh'. it's suppose to be the latter.

intramural soccer has been going on for i don't know how long as has men's league indoor soccer, but i only found out about it yesterday. supposedly the people that put the teams together from the schools club team thought i had graduated last semester. granted i should have graduated by now, but it's not like i've failed classes and had to retake them. i'm gonna be graduating with 150 credits, eventho for my degree i only need 128.

anyways, back to soccer. it was fun to play again tonight eventhough we lost. the last time i had kicked a soccer ball i think was probably the last outdoor game from last semester, which i think was roughly late october or early november. i was starting to miss the miscellaneous injuries (which i have a few of now :-P) from playing. there's just something about playing hard and having evidence to prove so. at least right now i'm thinking this, tomorrow on the other hand i may be saying something completely else :-P

one thing that's always funny/weird is that whatever team i'm on, we're usually mostly defenders. supposedly defense is what wins games, but when you don't have an offense player that will shoot, it makes it a bit hard to get any goals.

oh well, i do have a shirt that says i was in intramural co-ed soccer champion and it had only taken 4yrs to get it :-P well one of those years i wasn't technically in the states, but still.

anyways, i'm gonna head to bed so i can wake up and finish my math modeling homework in the morning. so far the assignment has taken around 10hrs and it's only about 2/3rds of the way done. plus i haven't even started my advance calculus homework (luckily that's not due 'til monday). 'nite all

carnivorous cats

(if you're wondering about carnivorous cats, skip this paragraph and go to the next one) this weekends been alright. glad i got off of work before anybody came in that was gonna be there for the entire football game, as we are to stay until our last table leaves (at least most the time). that's all i really have to say about the game, as after i got off work, i had gone home changed and then went to the mall. didn't have any desire to see any of the game at all, not even for the commercials. might have been more inclined to if i knew of anyone having a party. i did however end up at a friends house to watch the last quarter or so. i think the biggest problem i have with the superbowl is that people say that the winning team is the world champ, which in my opinion they're not. they haven't played any teams outside of the NFL. granted they'd most likely beat any other team, but they never played them so i don't think they should be able to say they are the world champs. i have the same feelings about baseball and the world series.

anyways, on a completely different note, cats can be punks (aka annoying). this weekend my aunt was gone so i was responsible for them. last night i shut my door and didn't allow them in as i have too many things i think they'll chew up or whatnot while i'm sleeping. now i have good reason too. i had left one of my necklaces (my favorite one) in the bathroom on one of the shelves. this morning while getting ready for work it wasn't there. eventually i did find it on the floor next to the double recliner. not really too surprised tho as i was kinda expecting that my aunts cats had done something to it. i hadn't suspected tho that they'd eat it!! luckily for me (and them i suppose) the necklace i had made myself out of leather from a craft store so i can just make another one as the charm is still fine. actually i would have been more worried if i didn't find the charm as it's made of metal and is about the size of a 50 cent piece.

i am also curious which one of the 2 it was (or if it was both of them) that ate the leather. my aunt and i have suspicions on which one it is that eat's the little toy mice they have. oh well they're stomachs :-P

this coming up weekend is gonna be fun. at least i'm anticipating it to be. not sure what activities there's gonna be, but it will be fun catching up w/ ashley in person. altho i'll be catching up with her in march as well assuming she doesn't have to go to china when i'm suppose to be heading to WI to visit.

well i should do some tiding up as my aunt gets home tomorrow.

an awesome poem

wow, second post (well kinda) in one day, that's like a record for me. anyways...

so i got the desire to clean my room/reorganize some things. in the process i came across a photo album that my friends in australia had given me. in the cover they had glued a poem by Marianne Williamson (from her book A Return to Love). The title of the poem is 'Our Greatest Fear' which is the poem below (it's copied how it was in the album) :

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brillant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Now i'm not a religious person by any means, and usually try to avoid anything dealing with God. however, with this poem i make an exception (well kinda). The message within the poem is just spectacular with or without refering to God (really hoping i'm not pissing anyone off, so if i am, i'm sorry, but this is the way i think). The poem gives you the feeling as the reader that you have power that you should not be scared of but to embrace it and use it. In the process of doing so, you help others to discover there own power, who in turn help others, and so on.

Awesome, just plain awesome.

With that i'm gonna get back to reorganizing so it doesn't look like a twister went thru my room.

new layout

so instead of doing homework or something onlong that line to fill my time, i decided that this blog could use a little revamping or whatnot. it'll be a slow work in progress, but let me know what you think.

one of those days

so today was going good, but then a little after lunch it just turned into one of those days you just want to end. the day started off rather well, but after eating lunch and working on some advance calculus homework, little things just started to get on my nerves. there was no particular reason for this, but i just kept getting more and more pissed. even while working out in the weight room i was getting angrier, which is weird because working out is suppose to get rid of anger/agitations. at least it usually does for me.

so for the last several hours i've been trying to find things to calm my nerves. this included going to borders and getting a mocha w/ an extra shot of espresso (caffeine is my comfort food, if you can call it a food), and then went tanning (i don't go all that often, only about once a week if that). those things kinda helped a bit, but i'm pretty sure things might piss me off if i leave my house (mostly dealing w/ traffic/cars). one thing that really annoys me (and not only when i'm already kinda angry) is when people don't use their blinkers. they're there for a reason people, use them!!

anyways, i'm sure tomorrow will be better, at least i hope it will be. if not then i guess i'll need to find some other things to try and calm my nerves. any suggestions???

well can't think of much else to write, so i'm off to read, watch tv or something. ciao

weather, what the . . .

i hate winter. well maybe not hate, moreso just a dislike for it. actually it might not be so bad if it was more constant than it is. for example it was cold all of last week and then this past weekend it was above freezing, mid-40's to low 50's, which was awesome. however today the high was at the beginning of the day, might have been around midnight i'm not sure. i do know that when i left for school today that i thought hey, i actually could be wearing a short sleeve shirt as it was in the low 50's. now i'm wishing i brought a jacket w/ me to school as the temperature is now below freezing and it's only 3pm and tomorrow's high is only suppose to be in the mid teens.

i don't get it. is this due to global warming or ???? i'd really like to be able to figure out what kind of clothes i should have packed and which ones i shouldn't (ie summer vs. winter clothes). mostly i would just like to have a bit more space in my closet, but then if i did i would probably fill it up w/ more clothes, so maybe it's a good thing i have to keep all season of clothing readily available.

oooo and the whole global warming thing made me think of a show on discovery i saw some of (i was falling in and out of sleep). it was saying how global warming (or freezing) is a function of itself. well kinda. it was saying how white reflects the suns heat, while the dark (ie oceans) retain it, so the more ice there is the more heat is reflected making it get colder, which in turn creates more ice. also said the opposite was true (and i think is what's happening now), that the oceans retain the heat, making it warmer, which melts the ice, which makes the surface area of the earth covered in a darker color greater, thus making the earth warmer. so in a way global warming is natural, in a manner of speaking, but i'm also sure that we as humans have a bit of an influence in it as well.

and to go w/ train of thought writing some more. watched a movie called 'sunshine' (well i'm pretty sure that was the name of it). it was about our sun dying and there were a couple of missions to try to reignite it (the 1st mission had failed). it was an alright movie. missed the beginning of it where it explained why the people were flying towards the sun. i'm not sure if i'd say it's really worth renting, well maybe if its a cheap rental or whatnot as it wasn't like it was a bad movie, you just had to pay attention thru all of it, which i really wasn't doing.

anyways, i'm gonna battle the freezing weather to make it up to the gym. laters


oh and i just checked the weather again and it's now at 17 degrees, when i started typing it said 27

brand names

first i just saw i have a typo from a couple blogs ago. it's where i said something about a kitten on my lab, as it's suppose to be 'lap'. so sorry to all you english majors and such out there, i'm a math person. i try to be grammatically correct most the time (moreso when not in a blog), but sometimes i miss stuff. anyways . . .

i just thought this would be a fun topic to talk about (plus there's kinda a fun story that recently happened, well in my opinion).

now i know there are a variety of brands out there and people that do and don't like to wear them. me personally i am one of the brand name people. however, i usually only buy the clothing when it is on sale as i will not buy a t-shirt for over $15. ok every now and then i will buy something when it's not on sale. additionally whatever i buy i prefer it to not blatantly state which brand i am wearing. i don't mind if it has a little logo, but i don't want the only thing on the shirt to be the brand name which you can read from a block away. lately i do kinda feel like an american eagle model or something, but i blame that its mostly due to the fact that it's the only store in the mall of the style of clothing i like. there is the buckle, but even their sale rack is out of my price range.

in any case, here's the story. it's rather short. so i was in denver last week for a few days and on one of the days i was shopping in the mall. while i was looking in the abercrombie and finch store, the manager (at least i'm pretty sure he said he was a manager, i was only half listening) asked how often i shop there, to which i said i usually do whenever i make it down from rapid. he then asked if i wanted to work there when the semester ended, which surprised me as i thought he was probably just doing a survey or something. anyways, i felt a bit flattered, as rumor is (not sure if it's true or not) that A&F doesn't take walk in applicants for jobs, they have to ask you to work there (if someone knows for sure let me know). so to be asked to work there, to me, means that you look good :-P and that's the end of the story, bit longer than i thought it would be, but oh well.

into the future

so i finally took some initiative on trying to figure what i'm gonna do after i graduate in may. not sure if i should be looking for a job and then where i want to live, or where i want to live and then a job. the where first seemed more logical to me so that's what i was doing.

so far i've come up with Oregon would be a nice place to live, by both word of mouth and from what i've read. it's relatively warm most the time, the cities i've looked at all had heaps of recreational activities. altho there's also heaps of hippies, but i think i could deal with that :-P

i also looked a bit into north carolina and virginia. both of which could be nice, but i haven't heard too much from other people about them.

plus there's the idea of living in AUS after graduating, but i'm not sure exactly how to go about that. i do know tho that if i really want to, i need to start trying as i've heard that the older i get, the harder it will probably be.

maybe i just need to find everything that i liked in AUS somewhere in the US, which means i have heaps of traveling i need to do before teh semester ends, lol. now if only i had the money in order to do so.

anyone have any input of their own???

cousin's wedding

so was in minneapolis this past weekend for my cousin's wedding. it was fun. i was mostly just happy that i was able to go to the reception after it since i didn't really tell him i'd be there until a couple weeks ago. i figured if worse came to worse i'd just be 'that cousin' standing next to the bar, lol. it all ended up working out. i was in the so called 'party room' which was the friends of the bride and groom.

it's interesting what stories you learn at family get-togethers, which i'm surprised of learning some new ones since my family gets together once a year.

another thing i learned is to not try to close down the bar with older cousins. i was paying for it this morning until about i got back to rapid city. great fun tho, just gotta remember i'm a bit smaller than they are, lol.

so now i need to do some laundry so i can start packing to head to denver. lots of traveling within a weeks time, but might as well get all i can before classes start again. more specifically before i have to get a real job after i graduate.

wow this blog kinda jumps from place to place, eh its how my mind works i guess. anyways, laters

the new year has begun

so i'm not big about the whole new years resolution idea. just think that if you want to change something in your life you should do it right then and there, not wait for a new year to begin. (little side note, don't wear a necklace where the charm dangles when there's a 6 month old cat/kitten on your lab).

anyways...altho i don't care for new years resolutions, i kinda made one for me. in a way tho it's 'cause i also feel like i don't have much to lose. it might take me a while to fully convince myself tho that i don't have much to lose. what i plan to do is to follow a quote (which i know i've said i was gonna try and do a couple times before this). the quote is from the tv show Roswell, which oddly enough is one sci-fi show i got my mom into :-P

"I'm a member of that group of...outsiders. I always knew I was different...and for a long...long...time, all I wanted was to be another face in the crowd...but in the end...it wasn't possible. I guess it never was. So from now on, I'll just...concentrate on being who I really am. Some of you might not like that, some of you might even...find that frightening. But that's not my problem anymore. I have to be who I really am...and let fate take care of the rest"

basically tho, my thoughts on actually following thru with this is to stop worrying about what other people will think, which is rather hard for me to do. towards the end of the semester tho i may be able to, 'cause well i have no intention on staying in rapid once i graduate. not that rapid is exactly that horrible of a place, but its definately not where i wanna live. plus how often am i gonna see the people that go to tech? not all that often.

so yeah, in short my new year's resolution is to just simply to be me.

and for something random, who agrees that its kinda awkward to pull up to a 4-way stop at about the same time a cop does, where the cop is going in a perpendicular direction to you (yes i am a math major so i like to use words like perpendicular, i'd use the upside T but i don't know how to do that on here :-P). do you wait for the cop to go, and how long should you wait for the cop to go before you go?

ok my brain isn't function so well anymore, might be time for bed.