wants in life?

read a friends blog entry, which had a question at the bottom of it, so i thought i'd respond to it. her blog is located at http://musings-of-a-demented-mind.blogspot.com/

what do i want from life?

to be honest i fully don't know. in general i know i wanna be happy, but i'm not sure what all exactly makes me happy.

i know that at first i was happy in high school, but towards the end i couldn't wait to get away. i know i was happy when i first got to sdsmt, but again i can't wait to get away. i was happy when i was in AUS, but things seem different when i've gone back to visit. still might be able to be happy there, but don't know for sure.

i do know that i enjoy making other people happy. i enjoy doing little things, big things, almost anything to make a person happy even at my own expense. (i've sometimes wondered tho if i truely enjoy it or if i just fear rejection if i don't make people happy).

i believe i also wanna find someone that makes me happy, but i'm not sure what qualities this person should have. lately i've actually been thinking about the qualities and i come up with a little dilemma (of sorts). is it ok to hold other people to the same standards that you hold yourself? i think i need some more thought before i answer that question. plus i really haven't answered the ? that started this blog.

i want to be able to see the world. there is so much culture everywhere that the vast majority of people never see. heck there's loads of people that are born, raised, and die all in the same place who have never seen a different 'culture' even w/in their own country. heck some don't even see a different 'culture' within their state.

i don't want to be rich, but that doesn't mean i wanna be poor either. i just want to have enough to not worry, but still have to be conscience of how much i spend.

i don't want a big house or an expensive car. those items and similar items are just ways to show off.

i want to have an affect on people, not necessarily a life changing affect, but still an affect nonetheless.

and with that i'm gonna go find something to eat.

'tis the season for stress

who else remembers when the holidays use to be stress-free??? i barely do, think it was when i was probably about 5. alright that's a bit of an exaggeration. they probably started being stressful somewhere in high school when i started using my own money for gifts. now it's only gotten worse (from a college students view). there's the stress of trying to find the perfect gift for people while having enough money to pay for it, stress of trying to keep up w/ professors realizing they hadn't assigned enough hw during the semester to make up the amount of pts they said hw would be, and also that 3rd exam that they forgot about until the week before finals, then there's finals week itself. all this at the same time. oh and lets not forget having to work to have the money to pay for school, rent, and the assumed perfect gifts.

now i know that i'm spoiled and my stress in some of those areas is slightly less, but still people wonder why college kids are stressed.

luckily this is the last year (theoretically) that i'll have finals, holiday shopping, etc to worry about at the same time. next year it should just be my job and the shopping to worry about, here's hoping.

oooo, it is nice tho how some places try to relieve some of the stress. for example on sunday there's free 'breakfast' at 9pm, or is it 7 and ending at 9. eh either way it's free food and a way to take a break from studying and have a chance at winning some prizes.

well time to stop procrastinating, back to studying and then work.

it's cold

k i know it's not nearly as cold here as the east side of the state, but it's cold! definately wanna move somewhere that doesn't get below 50.

positive things of cold weather tho are:
-hot chocolate (w/ kahlua)
-fires (in a fireplace of course)
-cuddling (preferably a person, pet works as a 2nd choice, then a pillow or blanket as a last resort)

i'm sure there's probably more, but i cant think of any and i need to head to class. actually i'm gonna go get a mocha before heading to class.

warning signs

some things make you come to conclusion that you work too much. for me it's when i go out to eat and regardless of where i go at least one of the people working say something along the lines of "not working today?" first thing that pops into my head is 'do i know you?' actually that's not true, first thing that pops into my head is 'are you stalking me?' :-P after the person asks that, the people i'm with then ask who that person is, which i say 'i have no clue, but they must go to Boston's a lot'

ok this then makes me think of when people come in, order a drink w/ alcohol in it, and then don't have their id's but say "don't you remember, you served us a couple days ago". to this as a server you just wanna say "no i don't, do you know how many people i see in a day? unless you order something completely strange there's slim to nill that i'll remember you after you leave"

also another sign (but along the same line) is when out at a diff restaraunt, my server refers to me as 'Boston's guy'. or maybe i'm looking at it the wrong way. maybe i was just so awesome of a server that the people remember me.

or how about when asleep you dream of being at work? not sure if that happens to me or not as most nights i don't remember what i dreamed (assuming i dreamed at all).

and yet another sign of working too much is altho you have a house/apartment there is no food in the fridge or cupboards 'cause the only thing you really do at home is sleep and shower eventho you're up from 7am to midnight most days. this is mostly due to school and work combined.

alright now i'm just reaching for things to type, so i guess that's it for now, ciao

procrastination

so should be studying for an exam tomorrow, but kinda don't wanna and i've already procrastinated using facebook, getting a mocha (to study with), emailing, etc. so i figured why not blog as well.

today in class my teacher said "the most destructive a person can be is when they believe 100% that they are correct" (or somewhere along that line).

if you think about it, he is right. some of the worst things happen when a person (or group of people) believe they are correct and others are wrong. for example war follows this. or on a smaller scale, how about just arguing w/ someone in general. usually an argument happens when someone believes that they're right, when they really aren't (unless the person just likes to argue).

anyways, this got me thinking of things that i believe i'm 100% correct about. i know earlier i was able to think of a couple things but right now i can't. and actually that is really bugging me as well. how is it i can't think of something that i believe to be 100% correct? ok, my mind jumped to sexuality. i fully believe that a person has no control on who they like. a person can't just say "i'm going to like guys (or girls) as of right now". there may be some influences as a person grows and it may also be genetic, or most likely than not some sort of combination of the two. i just don't see how some people can believe that it's a person's own choice in being bi or gay. the only choice the person has is if they want to follow their feelings or live a life where they are lying not only to everyone but most importantly to themself. and i'm gonna stop on that topic now before i just start ranting.

and it's really bugging me that i can't think of anything else i feel to be fully and completely true. i know i always think of both sides of an issue, thinking of the positives and negatives of both, but there has to be some issues or topics or something that i would stand/fight for.

so i guess to whoever is reading this, what do you believe you're 100% correct about?

long weekend --> study abroad presentation

you'd think since it was a long weekend this weekend, and that i only had to work 1 day of it that i woulda been a bit more productive and getting things done like cleaning, studying, yardwork. but nope, i haven't done any of that. well i guess i've done some cleaning, but that's only 'cause i need to see my bedroom floor (and needed clean clothes :-P)

i have started being a little productive today tho. been looking thru all my Aussie stuff as i'm gonna be giving a short presentation on studying abroad on wednesday. it's amazing how so many memories can not exactly be forgotten, but covered up by fresher memories (even if the newer ones aren't as good).

wonder how honest i'm suppose to be during it. probably want me to be fully honest. the thing is tho, that i'm letting my fear persuade me from making stuff up. i know why i went to AUS, as to my closest friends. it was a trip to learn more about me and who i am. it was meant to change my life. it was to make myself more confident.

the thing is it worked, in the greater sense. i am more confident in myself. i have learned who i am. it has changed my life (from knowing who i am more or less). i just don't know if i wanna tell a bunch of people i don't really know that i went because i had to get away from everything i knew so as to not be influenced by them. then again maybe that's what some of them would need to hear.

other things i'm not sure what to say is about what all i did when i was down there. mostly i partied. i didn't do too much touristy things as that wasn't my plan before i went there. i had wanted to live in a different culture. i coulda traveled around all of AUS with the other exchange students, but i spent the vast majority of the 10 months in Canberra hanging out with the Aussies on campus. I learned heaps of phrases, slang, and about the aussie life. the other exchange student's probably picked up some phrases and all, but i think i may have learned more and experienced the culture (at least the aussie uni student culture) better than they did. not that they didn't experience it, they experienced a diff part of the culture than i did. which in reality is good, as they went and experienced what they wanted to while i experienced what i wanted to.

wow i think i figured out what i'm gonna say. still gotta decide tho if i'm gonna be open and say what i learned about myself or not.

now if i could only figure out what else to do today instead of doing what i should be doing (aka studying/hw)

halloween

well it's halloween. almost kinda disappointing in a way. only seen a handful of people in things that could be somewhat considered costumes. granted my costume isn't all that good as i'm just wearing pj's, but it is at least something. also if you add the fact that i don't really wear pj's when i sleep (i'll leave it at that and let you think whatever you want, 'cause whatever you think you're right about 1/2 the time). now that most of you probably just said to yourself "way too much info", back to the disappointment of costumes. you'd think more college students would be interested in dressing up, unless they're waiting for 2nite.

as for me i get to go to work 2nite. kinda hoping i get done a bit early as there's a party i can go to, or just simply go downtown. if i go to the party i gotta beat the costume i had last year, which i think i can (and some of you are probably wondering what was last year, and those that do know what last years was are wondering how). to this i answer waterpolo. if i go downtown, definately will be a bit more conservative (if i even have a costume, which if i do i think might be a biker or cowboy, not sure). also know that if i do go to the party i'll be a bit self-conscience at first, but also really won't be able to drink that much as the cops will most likely be out in full force tonight. eh oh well (to the being uncomfortable at the party).

with the lack of costumes, it makes me get excited to work somewhere that people dress up, or at least attempt to. to this i am referring to my friend ashley's blog where she mentions the costumes of the people in neighboring cubicles and all (http://musings-of-a-demented-mind.blogspot.com/).

k back to costumes and work. i get to wear one, which i'm probably gonna stay in my pj's. i had called earlier to make sure we could wear costumes again, which they said yes as long as it wasn't gorey or short skirts. bit sad on the gorey part, but told them they didn't need to worry about me wearing a short skirt as i've never had any desire to wear a dress, skirt, kilt or anything similar (and pretty sure i never will). the gorey thing tho is sad, well moreso being scary and such as in high school i kept scaring little kids when i was helping at Trick-or-Treat Street (or soemthing like that, the kids would go classroom to classroom trick-or-treating). i didn't mean to scare them, i just liked painting my face like a bloody skeleton (probably part of my morbidity).

hmmm...maybe i'll have a costume party sometime. altho then i'd have to find people that like to dress up, which could be kinda hard. to me dressing up (or dressing down, whatever) is fun 'cause you can be something you're not for a day/night/few hours, whatever. anyways time to head to class (well at least start getting the momentum to head to class). laters

sleep or up all night???

going along with the last post, i once again may have confused the person at the checkout place at best buy (yes i know i go there too often and spend money), as i got 3 horror movies, 2 disney movies, and a couple of punkish (by my def) cd's. eh oh well

anyways, here i am taking a break from working on my senior project/research and/or advance calc hw. i wonder if i'll eventually learn to not procrastinate so much. i do tend to get things done, but probably not to the best i could. i did get prepared tonight tho after getting off work to pull an all-nighter. on my way home i stopped by the store and got a 4-pack of Rockstars, 4-pack of frappucino's, and a 12 pack of mello yello (i have no intention of drinking them all tonight, i just wanted a variety of caffeine intake).

somewhere i know i've said i don't see how people can both go to school full and and have a full time job. i have a hard enough time doing full time (w/ just 12 credits) and working part time (suppose to be around 20, but this week scheduled for 26 and i currently have slightly over 18hrs and still have 2 days left to work). anyways, yeah not sure how those people could do it. i did try multitasking while at work during that slow times, as i had written some of the advance calc problems in my serving notepad. some people did look at me kinda funny as i stood there looking at my notepad for several minutes, and then looked really funny/confused when i showed them what i was working on. tend to forget there's people out there that really haven't seen calculus all that much.

hmmm....i'm really debating now if i should try to pull an all-nighter or not. it's not even 2am yet and i'm already getting kinda tired (and this is after having a rockstar, frappucino, and a mello yello since 11:30). almost tempted to have another rockstar, or at least another pop (yes pop not soda) and try to get a bit more done, but not really sure if i have the attention span to do so (also hence why i'm typing away here)

ok i should stop typing and try to get a bit more done, or at least go to bed and wake up early to get some stuff done. ok my comp is sounding like it's gonna take off soon (really hoping it doesn't). then again if it does i could probably get a new one :-P oh yeah back to waking up early, if i do i'll end up going and getting a mocha at dunn bros. where most of them at least recognize me and know what i get. i am a bit glad i made it 1/2 way thru the semester tho before going about once a day. but yeah, back to hw or bed, not sure yet

Horror, Horror, Kids

k i definately have too many passwords and usernames considering it took me at least 5 minutes to sign in in order to post since i forgot both the name and password. oh well, it's expected that'll happen or else they wouldn't have a button that says "forget your password"

ever wonder what people at stores at best buy or similar think when you are buying movies? every now and then i do. like yesterday when i went in and bought Black Sheep (it's about killer sheep), 28 Days Later, and Surf's Up. the 1st 2 kinda go together as they're both "horror", but then the 3rd definately doesn't considering it's a kids movie, so it just seems kinda out of place. then again the people at the checkout stands probably see all sorts of things that don't go with the main genre of what a person is buying.

i think it would be a bit more fun to have a bigger stack of movies all of which are horror (say all the Saw, Hostel, etc movies) and then throw in a kids movie just to see if there is a confused expression or not. then again everytime i expect there to be some sort of reaction there usually isn't. depressing i know :-P

anyways, killer sheep pretty funny which is the only reason i bought the movie. the box has the quotes "...possibly the single best midnight movie of its era..." and "not for the weak of stomach"

and well that's all i have, which really wasn't much at all

about time

so i figured it might be about time to post again. yeah i know only took me over 1/2 a year. kinda amazing how things change, like having to create a google account. eh oh well. once again i think i'm gonna try to post more often. whether or not that actually happens is a completely different story.

do i have an actual topic to write about? not really. i do have to say tho that it's kinda entertaining to watch drunk football fans towards the end of a close game (the game i'm mostly refering to is the one that just happened where the cowboys beat the bills by 1 point in the last few seconds of the game). there's always lots of yelling and cheering and lots of other things that people wouldn't do otherwise as they would appear rather odd or out of place. however in a sports bar full of other fans there's no holding back.

now i'm not much of a fan of any team in general. heck i'm not even a fan of watching sports. i prefer to be playing them than watching them. there might be some sports i'd enjoy watching, altho it really wouldn't be the game i'm watching so much as the players.

anyhow, it's kinda late, i got heaps of work to do tomorrow before i head to work. laters

this kinda worries me

ok i'm not one that really get's into political stuff or get's too worked up about things, but this does worry me a bit. i'm sure that the intentions were probably for the best, but how the results of the research can end up being used is quite terrifying. and yes i've realized i haven't mentioned yet was worries me so here it is:

there is research going on about how to alter a living beings sexuality. currently it is just animals. anyways here's a link to the article that caught my attention about it http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-2524408_1,00.html

does anyone have any more info on this? i really haven't done any research on it more which is probably what i'll be doing when i find a bit more spare time, but for now i gotta get ready for work.

xmas break

well imagine that i haven't blogged in ages yet again. well now it is xmas break and i have loads of time to almost do nothing. altho there is lots of stuff i want to do today before having to go into work, such as go to the post office and send a couple of gifts (yes i know i'm quite a bit late), go to best buy and spend some gift certificate money, and go to the gym to run or lift.

running, hmmm... wonder if i should make a new years resolution. i don't think i've made a new years resolution in years. guess i never see the point in making a resolution for yourself only at the beginning of the years. if there's something i think i need to do i'll make the resolution then and there.

i dunno i've also felt more of a scrooge this year than ever before. no i'm not mean to people or anything, i just don't like what all is expected around the holidays (ie a sign in a local store saying "if they're on your list, they're in your heart" or something quite similar). the sign just made me angry 'cause it's like so.... if i don't get this person something it means i don't care about them. pretty stupid if you ask me.

don't get me wrong i'm all for giving people things, but i prefer to go with just fun little things, as in little pins that say random stuff (but i tend to give these at the ends of semesters). also i just think the random things are a lot more fun. an example is the gift ashli got me, a little Stitch that came with the stuffing on the side, so i got to stuff him :-P. that was an awesome gift in my opinion eventho it wasn't very big or expensive (as far as i know) because i know i had mentioned several times to people that i wanted a Stitch. i'm pretty sure i can say that ashli's gift is better than the digital camera i got.

something else that probably made me quite a bit grumpy with gifts and all is being asked of what i want. there are a few things i wanted, but the things i want most are things that people just can't give, ie they're not materialistic at least for the most part. the things i wanted most but couldn't actually ask people for include:
1. not having to be scared of people finding out who i am (in regards to me "lifestyle" which isn't even a choice as some try to argue)
2. wanting to be more confident in myself
3. people to be accepting of other people regardless

well i'm thinking this is starting to be a book so i'll end here and who knows the next time i'll blog