So i'm not really sure how this post is going to end up. I just know it's going to me being open, letting my fingers type the thoughts inside my head, while hoping its coherent and makes sense.
to start with i know i'm not the only person that thinks about what is going to be revealed here, but for the purpose of why i'm typing what i am, i am going to be assuming that i am quite rare in my feelings, beliefs, desires, etc.
For the last 6 months (or maybe even year or even longer, i'm not sure of the time frame exactly) i've been trying to find and figure out my place in a community of which i am a part of. Part of me knows i should not worry so much about it, as the specific community is not my life, it is just a small portion of who i am as a whole. Many things are disheartening about the community, at least the parts that i've witnessed. I could make a list of them, but there'd really be no point in doing that. Creating a list will not make those things go away, or even solve them. If by chance you do want a list, let me know and i'll make one for you. You will probably figure out a couple of the items i find disheartening by just reading on if you choose to.
Anyways....continuing on....some of the things i find disheartening, it seems that not many others feel the same way about them. it also seems that when i mention how i feel about them to others, i get the feeling that i have to justify myself about my beliefs and such, making me feel even more like an outsider than i already do. maybe it's just that i haven't been able to find similar minded people as i'm looking in all the wrong places. i never thought looking for similar minded people participating in activities that i enjoy (ie volleyball, swimming, etc) would be as difficult as its been.
i just don't believe that every action a person does is related to sex. i don't assume that if a person has "activity partner" on their online profile under the section of what they're looking for on the site as meaning sexual activity partner. i take it as they're looking for someone who likes to do the same things (ie hiking, running, etc)they do. i do not play volleyball or swim in order to hook up. i do not go out to hook up. when i go out, i go out with friends and when i go home, i go home with the same friends. for a month or 2, i went out, as i wanted to be wanted. i got the feeling of being wanted, by "showing off" by dancing shirtless at one of the clubs. i have not done that in several months now. by acting like that, i was not getting what i truely wanted. yes, i was wanted, but i felt as if i was only wanted for how i look, which actually made me feel like an object instead of an actual person. needless to say, i no longer want to participate in that scene. not saying i won't go dancing every once in a while, but when i do, i am going to go with friends and have fun (while keeping clothes on :-P)
from many of the things i've seen/experienced over the past several months i have been cutting myself off from many things and people. actually in general i've been becoming emotionless, except for anger, agitation, aggrevation, and other similar feelings. this has made me realize that i am heading in a direction i never thought i would go. thus i am going to try and make the changes in my life in order to do a 180 and get back to the person i know i am. i foresee myself staying a bit cutoff for a bit longer, but that is so i can spend some time in deep thought figuring out the necessary steps/changes i need to take.
(something that would be great is if you read this, you somehow let me know you did)
one of the changes i know i need to do (and have known for a very long time) is to stop keeping things bottled up. hence this blog entry is a result. i will try to make myself let others know when they do things that annoy me or that i just don't agree with. this means i can't be as passive and will probably end up angering others in the process, but so be it.
another change i need to make runs parallel with the prior item. i need to take a stand for myself and what i believe, feel, want, etc and not compromise the issues that are most important to me. the main one being the correlation between emotion and sex.
for now, that's all i can think of saying, ranting, etc. hopefully in a weeks time or so you'll be seeing a more enthused me :-P
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2 comments:
Dude, I never know how to respond to your posts anymore, except to say, "Yep."
Re: your last comment to me -- I was in Sioux Falls, and the question was directed at my sister and I. I'm guessing it was partially because she doesn't know us very well and wasn't sure which of us was Ashley. That happens a lot now when I go home...
I do actually feel the same way. It's hard to find people with common interests because everything, especially online, is all muddled up in the whole sex thing.
Even some of the sports organizations that promote philanthropy still have some degree of sexual appeal, and it's nearly impossible to escape that.
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